Older parenthood -- Ġenituri akbar

 

Recently I’ve given some thought again to this subject, prompted by the latest ‘celebrity’ having a child at a mature age.  I’m referring to Brigitte Nielsen, a well-known actress, who at 54 gave birth last June to a daughter.  This event also has some connection to Malta, as Nielsen married her current husband Mattia Dessi in Malta in 2006.  I was still in Malta when Nielsen had married another man Sebastian Copeland in 1990 – I still remember her being taken with him in a beautiful open karrozzin down Mannarino Road, although today she maintains that marriage hadn’t been legal.1

 

Nielsen grumbled about being told she was too old to have a child, but the same comment not generally made for men of the same age.  In fact most of the related information concentrates on the risks to the woman, like the increased risk of early onset diabetes, cholesterol, breast cancer, high blood pressure and others.  Generally women older than 50 use eggs of a younger woman due to chromosomal defects.

 

Nevertheless, many elderly women have children who are perfectly healthy, and the more time passes, there is an increased tendency for children to be born to mothers with an advanced age.  For example, in England, conception rates in 2016 declined for all mother age groups, with the exception of those whose age was higher than 40.2

 

Perhaps one might not expect there to also be some advantages for parents to be older; an article I have read suggests that offspring of elder parents might be better at mathematical or technical (geeky) subjects, might live longer and be healthier, with their parents being better prepared emotionally, financially and how to interact with their kids.3

 

There is also a consideration of what is in the best interest of the children.  There are those who are convinced that the best age difference for parents and their offspring is in the twenties and thirties, and any higher would be of detriment to the child.  Amongst reasons I have heard are that elder parents are not up to the burden of child-raising (which I think is a generalisation and potentially applicable to younger parents), that they look like grandparents (which is probably true) and that such parents are simply being egoistic (apparently when someone has an objective that is not found easy to achieve, keeps working and persists is termed an egoist).

 

People thinking in this way will probably say they are ‘against’ others becoming parents of a certain age, let’s say above 40, and prefer families being more ‘normal’ with a generation following another let’s say every 20 years.

 

What such a person might not necessarily appreciate is that offspring of parents of an advanced age, for example 50 years, did not have the opportunity to be born when the parents were 30.  That epoch has passed. Now the choice is to be born to parents of 50, or not being conceived and naturally not being born at all.  This person would be telling the child of an elderly parent that it would be preferable if the child did not exist, in his/her face (or behind his/her back).

 

I think there is also the idea that such parents choose on a ‘whim’ not to have children when in their prime, especially these young and modern women of today, obsessed with their careers and wanting to enjoy themselves before all else, and then have the ‘cheek’ to demand to become parents ‘come what may’.

 

Although there are some elements of truth in this, it is only a caricature that doesn’t tell the whole story.  There is no mention, for example, of not having a spouse or life partner at the time considered biologically or socially ideal to have children.  It could also be that one half of the couple in that time is not as keen to have children as the other half.  There might also be a long, silent, hidden, heartbreaking story of infertility.

 

There could be a thousand other reasons.

 

I say it is all well and good to have an opinion, and to express and discuss same.  It would be even better to be careful not to hurt those within hearing range, by casting a shadow on their intentions and/or character, when we may not be aware of what they have been through and what obstacles were encountered in their fragile life journey.

 

I think the best approach is that taken by the English National Health Service.  This refers to a report by the Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists (RCOG) which covers the risks of pregnancy at an advanced age, but then states that the age at which a woman becomes a mother is influenced by a number of personal, social, professional and life circumstances, which are not always easy to plan out beforehand.  It continues that women should not be concerned with the report, but be conscious of the recommendations, and that pregnant women, of whatever age, should have all the information, receive the best care, help and medical attention that they might need.4

 

This is a mature attitude without any prejudice.

 

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Dan l-aħħar erġajt ħsibt fuq dan is-suġġett, wara li qrajt fuq l-aħħar ‘ċelebrità’ li kellha wild ta’ età matura.  Qed nirreferi għal Brigitte Nielsen, attriċi magħrufa, li fl’età ta’ 54 sena f’Ġunju li għadda welldet bint ta’ 54 sena.  Dan l-avveniment għandu wkoll xi konnessjoni ma’ Malta, għax Nielsen iżżewġet lir-raġel tagħha ta’ bħalissakurrenti Mattia Dessi f’Malta fl-2006.  Jien kont għadni Malta meta Nielsen kienet iżżewġet hemmhekk ukoll lil raħel ieħor Sebastian Copeland fl-1990 – għadni niftakarha għaddejja f’Mannarino Road miegħu f’karrozzin miftuħ mill-isbaħ dakinhar, għalkemm hi tgħid li dak iż-żwieġ ma kienx legali.1

 

Nielsen gergret li semgħet lil min qalilha li hi kienet xiħa wisq biex ikollha t-tfal, imma l-istess ġeneralment ma jingħadx lill-irġiel tal-istess età.  Fil-fatt ħafna mill-informazzjoni relatata jtikkonċentra fuq ir-risjki fuq il-mara, bħaż-żieda fir-riskju ta’ dijabete bikrija, kolesterol, kanċer tas-sider, pressjoni għolja u oħrajn.  Generalment nisa ta’ iktar minn 50 jużaw bajda ta’ mara iżgħar minħabba difetti fil-kromsomi.

 

Madankollu, ħafna nisa kbar fl-età ikollhom tfal perfettament b’saħħithom, u aktar ma jgħaddi ż-żmien, hemm tendenza li t-tfal jitwieldu iktar lil ommijiet b’età avvanzata.  Per eżempju, fl-Ingilterra, ir-rata ta’ konċepiment fl-2016 naqas għal kull grupp ta’ età tal-ommijiet, ħlief għal etajiet ta’ iktar minn 40 sena.2

Forsi wieħed ma jistennix li jista’ wkoll ikun hemm ċerti vantaġġi li l-ġenituri jkunu ikbar; artiklu li qrajt issuġġerixxa li t-tfal ta’ ġenituri kbar jistgħu ikunu aħjar f’suġġetti matematiċi jew tekniċi, possibiltà li jgħixu għal ħajja itwal u jkunu iktar b’saħħithom, il-ġenituri jkunu iktar ippreparati emozzjonalment, finanzjarjament u kif jittrattaw mat-tfal.3

 

Hemm ukoll l-aspett ta’ x’inhu fl-aħjar interess tat-tfal.  Hemm min hu konvint li l-aħjar età ta’ ġenitur tkun fl-għoxrinijiet jew tletinijiet ta’ snin ikbar mill-wild, u iktar minn hekk ikun ta’ detriment għat-tfal.  Fost ir-raġunijiet li smajt huma l-ġenituri ma jifilħux għall-piż tat-trobbija (li naraha ġeneralizzazzjoni u potenzjalment applikabbli għal min huwa iżgħar), li jidhru qishom in-nanniet u mhux il-ġenituri (din forsi l-iktar evidenti) u li l-ġenituri huma egoisti (mid-dehra kull min irid xi ħaġa, isibha diffiċli u jibqa’ jaħdem u jippersisti biex jakkwistaha ikun egoist).  

 

Minn jaħseb hekk aktarx jgħid li huwa ‘kontra’ li nies ikollhom tfal meta jkunu ta’ ċertu età, ejja ngħidu ta’ iktar minn 40 sena, u jippreferu li l-familji ikunu iktar ‘normali’ b’ġenerazzjoni ssegwi l-oħra ngħidu aħna kull 20 sena.

 

Li wieħed mhux neċessarjament japprezza hu li wild ta’ ġenituri ta’ età avvanzata, per eżempju ta’ 50 sena, ma kellux l-opportunità li jitwieled meta l-ġenituri kellhom 30.  Dak iż-żmien għadda.  Issa l-għażla hi li jew jitwieled lill-ġenituri ta’ 50 sena jew inkella ma jitnissilx u naturalment ma jitwelidx.  Lill-wild ta’ ġenitur anzjan, tkun qed tgħidlu li tippreferi li ma jeżistix, f’wiċċu (jew minn wara daharu).

 

Naħseb li hawn ukoll l-ideja, li l-ġenituri jagħżlu ‘kapriċċjożament’ li ma jkollhomx tfal meta jkunu fl-aħjar tagħhom, speċjalment dawn it-tfajliet u nisa moderni tal-lum, li moħħhom fil-karriera tagħhom u biex jiddevertu qabel kollox, imbagħad ‘bil-wiċċ tost kollu’ jkunu jridu jkunu ġenituri ‘akkost ta’ kollox’.

 

Għalkemm hemm elementi ta’ verità f’dan ta’ fuq, hija biss karikatura li ma tgħidx l-istorja kollha.  Ma ssemmiex per eżempju, li mhux bilfors ikollok sieħbek/seħbitek/żewġek/martek fiż-żmien meta jkun ikkunsidrat bijoloġikament jew soċjalment aċċettabbli li jkollok it-tfal.  Jista’ jkunu ukoll li wieħed/waħda mill-koppja f’dak il-perjodu ma tkunx mixtieq/a mit-tfal daqs il-parti l-oħra.  Jista’ wkoll ikun hemm storja twila, siekta u mobija, ta’ qsim il-qalb, ta’ infertilità.

 

Jista’ jkun hemm elf raġuni oħra.

 

Jien ngħid li tajjeb li jkollna opinjoni, u li nesprimuha u niddiskutuha.  Ikun itjeb madankollu li noqogħdu attenti li ma nweġġgħux lil min jista’ jkun qed jisma’, billi nitfgħu dell fuq l-intenzjonijiet jew il-karattru ta’ dak li jkun, meta ma nkunux nafu minn xiex ikun għadda u x’diffikultajiet sab fl-istorja mwiegħra ta’ ħajtu.

 

Naħseb li l-aħjar attitudni hija simili għal dik meħuda min-National Health Service (NHS) tal-Ingilterra.  Din tirreferi għal rapport tar-Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists (RCOG) li titkellem fuq ir-riskji ta’ tqala f’età avvanzata, imma imbagħad tistqarr li l-età li fiha mara ssir omm huwa influenzat minn numru ta’ ċirkostanzi personali, soċjali, professjonali u tal-ħajja, li mhux dejjem jistgħu faċilment jiġu ppjanati.  Tkompli li n-nisa m’għandhomx jinħasdu mir-rapport, imma jkunu konxji tar-rakkomandazzjonijiet, u li n-nisa tqal kollha, ta’ liema età jkunu, għandhom ikollhom l-informazzjoni kollha, jirċievu l-aħjar kura u għajnuna u l-attenzjoni medika kollha li jista’ jkollhom bżonn.4

 

Attitudni matura għall-aħħar u mingħajr ġudizzji.

 

1https://www.timesofmalta.com/articles/view/20060708/local/the-great-dane-marries-in-malta.48361, retrieved 31/7/2018

2https://www.bbc.com/news/health-44966341, retrieved 31/7/2018

3https://www.nbcnews.com/better/health/5-advantages-being-older-parent-ncna775581, retrieved 31/7/2018

4https://www.nhs.uk/news/pregnancy-and-child/pregnancy-warning-for-older-women/, retrieved 1/8/2018

1https://www.timesofmalta.com/articles/view/20060708/local/the-great-dane-marries-in-malta.48361, retrieved 31/7/2018

2https://www.bbc.com/news/health-44966341, retrieved 31/7/2018

3https://www.nbcnews.com/better/health/5-advantages-being-older-parent-ncna775581, retrieved 31/7/2018

4https://www.nhs.uk/news/pregnancy-and-child/pregnancy-warning-for-older-women/, retrieved 1/8/2018